Paris

How many times have you heard that the French don't like us Americans? Plenty, I'm sure.

And we're not so fond of them either. Remember back in Bush's first war when the French questioned the integrity of our "proof" of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? They called our President's bullshit and we didn't take to kindly to that. So we did the only thing we could think of: boycott them son'bitches! Ugh...I'm embarrassed for us. Like hide-under-the-table embarrassed.

I don't think the boycott hurt the French economy too much. It never really took off. All in all, it was the spirit of the protest we were trying to convey. That "Oh yeah?!" attitude the U.S. tends to exude when we want someone to bow down and call us "Daddy."

But the French refused then, and now, to recognize our superiority on every front. Politically we are imbeciles. Culturally we are void. Academically we're lazy. And don't mention food: we're the hotdog to their foie gras. Our literature is predictable, our fashion...well, pathetique translates simply enough.

A friend of mine who resides in France, but is neither French nor American, recently told me that the French, however dismissive of us they may seem, only hold Americans in contempt superficially. Ironically, if you scratch the surface, he claims, the French think Americans are "cool." They admire our swagger, if you will.

You know that tacky American tourist traipsing around Paris wearing Teva sandels and khaki shorts? They think its disgusting, but we could give a fuck. We're oblivious. We're oblivious to French politics. They know all about ours. We are oblivious to their culture. They know all about ours. We don't even acknowledge the French Masters...to us, they belong to the World and we could give a shit (once again) about where they were born. Besides, if its at the MET, New Yorkers own it. Go 'head...ask 'em. Dare ya.

I've been in Paris now enough times to say that I scratched the surface - and I am equally positive that in doing so I have rubbed more than one Parisian the wrong way.

I tried to buy cigarettes at a drug store.

I never say Bonjour when I walked into a store.

I look for the closest Gap if I need an extra pair of socks.

I've stuck my nose up at Duck liver and have gotten bored in the Louvre.

The Eiffel Tower strikes me as large and not much else.

When I hear 2 Live Crew blaring in a swanky club, I laugh hysterically and refuse to pay the cover charge.

Pleasant little American, ain't I?

Actually, I am. No American has ever accused me of being course or difficult. Well, maybe my mother, but in her case its true. But no one else. Its just that in France, everything I do is wrong. And everything they do is weird. The French are the Ying to my Yang in almost every sense.

I leave for France in about a week again and I am sure that when I am there it will only take a few days before I piss someone off with my ignorance. So I beg you, if you are French and you see an American with unruly brown hair wearing her best Gap-duds...please, dig deep, be as pleasant as humanly possible - because I like you...despite yourself. I know my culture has replaced delicacy with convenience. I know I worship my Ipod and bow to my Blackberry. I totally get that Coypell was a genius and yes, I wish we had a Gabriel to design D.C.

So to show my appreciation I'm bringing my collection of JayZ C.D.'s and a shit-ton of Budweiser.
Works every time.

What?